Nutrition
Tips for Family Members and Friends: How to Help Someone with an Eating Disorder
- Realize that you are in exceedingly difficult circumstances. Sometimes you may feel angry, frustrated, helpless, afraid, powerless and enraged. Your loved one or friend may seem helpless and pathetic at certain times and at other times stubborn and resistant. She has come to have great power in the family despite this seeming contradiction--and she doesn't even realize it. Naturally you feel confused and distraught.
- Accept the fact that there are no quick answers or cures to an eating disorder. Psychotherapists and physicians cannot work magic. If your loved one/friend is to recover, then she must make changes in attitudes and behaviors. Also, the family must be willing to make some attitude and behavior changes to accomodate your loved one's new insights and growth.
- Provide your loved one with support and encouragement, but also take care of yourself. Do not sacrifice yourself for your loved one/friend. You accomplish nothing except feeling emotionally drained and resentful. Make time for enjoyable activities and fun for the family--it sends an important message to the sufferer and gives the family/friends needed relief. Also, continue interests and activities outside the family and encourage the person with the eating disorder to do the same.
- Give up the concept of blaming. It is not useful or realistic to blame either yourself or the person with the eating disorder. No one is at fault. Guilt and blame are immobilizing and get in the way of recovery. However, it is important to recognize that recovery is the responsibility of the person with the eating disorder. It is equally important to recognize that you have responsibility to become aware of the ways you may be enabling (facilitating) or participating in the problem.
- If your loved one/friend is younger than 18, help her get into therapy now. Do not hesitate out of fear that she will hate you or become increasingly ill. If she is over 18, you have no control over whether she will or will not get into therapy. Only she can choose to be helped. You do, however, have control over how you participate in the problem.
- Don't be overprotective. For example, if she is upset about school, relationships, or work, it is her responsibility to take care of the problem. Don't try to take care of it for her. Do not attempt to protect her by giving her the power to avoid situations that may be distressing. Experiencing and dealing with uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings and situations is part of life and adulthood.
- Develop dialogue with your child/friend about issues other than food, weight, appearance and achievement. Don't tie your caring to lectures about eating or demands about weight gain. Verbally and physically express honest love and affection to her. She needs to know that she is appreciated for the person that she is, not for what she does.
- Avoid monitoring your child's/friend's eating and weight gain. Such power struggles are "no win" battles and will only reinforce an adversarial relationship. Also, she will be less able to perceive you as caring if you engage in such battles. Eating and weight gain are her responsibility.
- Constructing communication is very important. Do not make statements like "You are ruining the whole family" or "Why are you doing this to us?"
- Participate in family therapy or a family members/concerned persons support group to work through your feelings during this emotionally charged period. Don't isolate yourself. A support group or psychotherapy can help you deal with yourself in relation to the person with eating disorder. Recovery is a process. The duration varies depending upon the individual and circumstances. Be kind to yourself. Discover new and creative ways of "nourishing" yourself and your family with "food" that will strengthen your inner resources and sustain you through the rough times.
Page updated: 3/27/08
