Helping someone through the process of dealing with and healing from sexual assault, stalking, or other forms of violence can take a lot out of you. Remember that you do not need to do this alone, and that getting support for yourself will help you better support a survivor.
Trained advocates are available to assist you.
Rape Crisis (319) 335-6000
Iowa Sexual Abuse Hotline (800) 284.7821 - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Monsoon United Asian Women of Iowa (866) 881-4641
Depending on the situation, you may want to contact the Domestic Violence Intervention Program 24 hr line at 319-351-1043/1-800-373-1043, or the University of Iowa Sexual Assault Response Coordinator (SARC) at 319-335-6200 for immediate assistance in accessing resources. The SARC can help you examine what options are available for a survivor of violence at the University of Iowa, but please be aware that the SARC may choose to file an official report.
If you want to talk to someone at the University of Iowa who is required to keep your conversation confidential you should contact one of the following:
Rape Victim Advocacy Program 24-hour Crisis Line: (319) 335-6000 (this is the same source mentioned above)
Office of the Ombudsperson (319) 335-3608
University Counseling Service (319) 335-7294
Faculty and Staff Services (319) 335-2085
Student Health Service (319) 335-8370
If you want to help your friend, relative, partner, or University student or staff member, recognize your limitations from the beginning. Try to think about what kind of support you can offer now and weeks from now so you have a realistic idea of how you will be supporting the survivor. Withdrawing support because you are overcommitted can be hurtful to the survivor, so getting trained people involved from the beginning may be your best asset in providing help. Remember that any assistance, however small it seems to you, will demonstrate your concern and care and will help in the recovery process.
Let the survivor take the lead in the recovery process. Violence often leaves the survivor feeling a loss of control over their life, and following an incident of violence the survivor needs to be in control of their own actions — so don’t force them in any way. Regardless of how sincere you are, being pushy or coercive will not be helpful.
For instance, if the survivor wants to talk, be open to listening. If you aren’t comfortable listening, help them find someone who can listen. If the survivor doesn’t want to talk don’t try to force it — the survivor needs to set their own pace. Ask “How can I be helpful to you?” If the survivor is contemplating some decision (i.e., getting a medical exam, reporting to the police, moving), help them explore their options but always let them make the decision.
Accept the fact that after the crisis seems to have passed, and in your judgment it seems that things should be getting back to normal, the survivor may still be having difficulty adjusting. The survivor may need to talk about feelings long after you have lost interest in listening. Keep in mind that the psychological after-effects can last for years. This might be a good time to suggest to the survivor that you understand that healing takes a long time and they might benefit from the support of a rape crisis counselor or private therapy. Try to help the survivor resist putting timelines on their healing. Even more importantly, be sure that you are not putting timelines on their healing.
Recognize that nothing you can do can erase the violence. There is no way to change the fact that it has happened. Understanding this should take a huge burden off of you. You’re not supposed to change history, just be a loving and non-judgmental supporter. Also keep in mind that you could not have prevented the violence. Friends and family often feel as though they should have been able to stop this from happening. Remember, only the person who committed the act of violence could have prevented it from happening. Sometimes friends and family are angry that this happened to their loved one and want to seek revenge on the offender. This response often frightens the survivor and adds further anxiety to an already traumatic event. The survivor may “shut down” or try to take care of their angry friend or family member. This makes it more difficult for the survivor to focus on their own healing process. If you are experiencing feelings of rage about the assault or thoughts of revenge, it is essential that you seek help in dealing with those feelings. It is important that the survivor not have to deal with your reactions of anger and revenge.
Accept the survivor's experience the way it happened. Don’t second-guess the survivor's behavior. “You should haves” or “you shouldn’t haves” (ex., "you should have fought") can only increase the pain after the fact. This is not helpful to the survivor. Nothing the survivor did or didn’t do caused the violence or made it permissible.
Leave comparisons alone. It doesn’t help to compare the survivor's experience with others who have been victimized. Someday the survivor might want to learn more about the reactions of other survivors, but any such discussion should be at their request. Don’t compare what did happen with what could have happened, as the survivor already knows how much worse it could have been. Remember that during the attack, it is common for a survivor to fear for their life. It’s up to the survivor to decide whether or not they were “lucky” to have survived and not have been more seriously injured.
Face the issue. Well-meaning people often tell the survivor of a crisis, “don’t worry, don’t cry, or don’t think about it.” This is asking the impossible and it’s not helpful to someone who has been assaulted. Telling the survivor to deny or downplay the experience they have just been through might suggest how uncomfortable you are rather than how concerned you are. Neither the crime nor its aftermath will go away by ignoring them.
Be ready to listen. It is helpful to let the survivor know they can discuss this experience with you if they choose. Some survivors need to process the experience by repeating details or talking about feelings. Others may want to talk, but not about the particulars of the incident. Try to listen non-judgmentally. Your interest in knowing the details of the assault should not overpower your desire to be supportive and gentle with the survivor. Offer the opportunity to talk but never insist that talking will cure them. Remember, the survivor won’t be helped by further coercion, however well meaning you are.
Respect their confidentiality. The survivor needs to have control over the details of the assault. They need to decide who knows about the assault and how much is shared. Ask them what they want others to know.
Assist with routine tasks. For some time after the violence has occurred, routine chores and responsibilities may seem burdensome for the survivor. This person may be grateful for assistance with errands, child care, laundry, etc. To the extent that you are able, offer to help with these tasks and be prepared to follow through.
Use your own experiences to guide you. Think about the times in your life when you’ve felt vulnerable or faced a crisis: the death of someone you loved, the end of a marriage, a life-threatening illness, or loss of a job. Remember what helped you the most. Chances are it wasn’t any one conversation or any one action, but rather the knowledge that friends believed you, empathized with your pain, were on your side, and were committed to seeing you through hard times.
Get educated about gender based violence. Rape, stalking, and other forms of violence are ugly and scary and you may be uncomfortable thinking about it. No matter you perceptions of gender based violence, don’t let them interfere with the concern and aid you’re trying to give. It may be helpful for you to learn more about issues of rape, domestic or dating violence, or other forms of violence. To learn more, contact any of the agencies listed at the top of this page.
Get involved. If you’re feeling frustrated because you can’t help as much as you’d like, consider getting involved in a rape victim advocacy program, or a program to end gender based violence. This is a constructive way to show the survivor the depth of your concern. Again, contact any of the agencies listed at the top of this page to discuss what type of group or organization you might be interested in joining.
Sometimes the daily routines of life will be threatening to a person dealing with the aftermath of violence. Traveling home late from work or an evening class or even grocery shopping may be frightening. If the survivor expresses concern about safety in these situations, you might offer to drive them home or accompany them on public transportation.
Regardless of where the violence occurred, the survivor will probably be concerned about the safety of their dorm, house, or apartment. You can help install locks on the doors and windows, or help with other security measures the survivor wants to take. This person may decide to move to a new location, in which case you can help them search and assist with the move.
Depending upon the circumstances of the attack, the survivor may appreciate having a place to stay for awhile outside of their home. Alternatively, they may appreciate having a companion stay in their home. For survivors of rape, fear is a predominant emotion for a considerable time afterwards. It can surface any time, especially when they are feeling vulnerable. It may intensify when they are alone. Consider making your home available as a temporary refuge, or consider spending a few days at the survivor’s home. If your family or other responsibilities prevent you from making this kind of commitment, you might offer to arrange a schedule of regular phone calls. But please note: sheltering the survivor or offering assistance is a serious responsibility. The survivor's pain will be closer to you as you take on the role of comforter. Make sure you’re prepared to make a commitment of this nature before offering. Knowing and respecting your own limitations is important. Try to think about what kind of support you can offer now and weeks from now. Withdrawing support because you overcommitted can be hurtful to the survivor.
Medical: If the assault is recent, you may want to suggest to the survivor that they seek medical attention. In Iowa the sexual assault medical exam is paid for by the State. The survivor will be offered free medication to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Evidence can be collected in case the survivor chooses to press charges now or sometime in the future. Most importantly, the survivor will be examined to make sure they are physically okay. Offer the medical exam as an option and respect the survivor's decision about whether or not to receive one. For more information about the medical exam, and how to find an advocate to accompany the survivor, see the Sexual Assault Page [link to sexual assault page].
Financial: For many survivors, rape and other forms of violence have considerable financial consequences. For more information on pursuing financial retribution see the Legal Procedures and University Policies for Your Rights and Protection page [Link to that page].
Legal: Often family and friends believe that survivors should report their assault to the police and pursue legal options. It is important to know that this may be an option that is acceptable to some survivors, but that for most survivors this is not something they choose to do. While the criminal justice system can provide a sense of justice for some survivors, for others it feels like a re-victimization. Until our society puts the blame for the assault on the offender, holds offenders accountable, and stops blaming the survivor, many survivors will choose not to pursue legal recourse.
If the survivor chooses to report the assault, the offender is caught, and the survivor decides to prosecute, your support will be critically important. There are likely to be numerous contacts with the prosecutor as well as one or more hearings and trial dates. The survivor may have to go to court several times. It may be helpful to have an advocate from the Iowa Rape Victim Advocacy Program (319-335-6000) accompany the survivor through the legal process. Be aware that in Iowa survivors have the right to an advocate during all medical and legal processes. However, even if an Advocate is present it is helpful at any point throughout the court processes for you to consider offering to accompany the survivor. Perhaps you could organize a few other friends who would be willing to rotate the responsibility. This would enable the survivor to have support, but would not tax one person. It may be helpful to encourage the survivor to separate their healing process from the outcome of the criminal case. While they cannot control the legal outcome, they are fully in control of their own healing. For more information on pursuing legal action see the Legal Procedures and University Policies for Your Rights and Protection page [Link to that page].
Counseling: Make sure that the survivor knows that there are community resources to contact for support. If the survivor seems interested, offer to help get information. See the resources for who you can call [link to top of page] to find various counseling services. If the survivor chooses to seek counseling or therapy from a psychologist or a psychiatrist, they should be aware that not all have training in the special needs of survivors. You might offer to help do some screening of potential therapists by calling and asking them if their areas of expertise include counseling for survivors. If you do help with the screening, present the survivor with the options, then let them decide. Resist the temptation to choose for them. The survivor needs to make their own decisions.
Rape or past violence can affect a survivor's feelings about sex for some time after an assault. Some survivors find that sex stirs up frightening feelings, which they associate with the rape experience and are more comfortable if lovemaking is limited to holding and hugging. Other survivors experience no difficulty in this regard, distinguishing quickly between rape and consensual sexuality, and might welcome their partner’s desire for intimacy. A lover must recognize the possibility of temporary change in an intimate relationship. If your partner wants to refrain from sexual activity for a while it is essential that you honor their wishes. Otherwise your partner may feel rushed or frightened by your desire to be sexual. Try to talk openly about this issue even if you have never talked openly about this subject before. It is vital to communicate now. If they haven’t brought up the subject, gently ask about it. As in other aspects of their recovery from rape, your partner’s needs should be of primary importance and should guide your actions. Let your partner know you are willing to follow their lead.
The opportunity to talk about this with someone outside the relationship has been helpful to others who have been intimately involved with a rape survivor. Consider seeing a rape counselor or therapist to discuss your feelings if you’re comfortable. Remember that even though some things may change between you and your partner for some time, most survivors recover from the trauma of rape and re-establish loving and full lives.
The empathy and concern you demonstrate during this critical period can aid in recovery and strengthen the bond between you. Your relationship can emerge strong and intact.
